You’ve heard us say it before, and you’ll hear us say it again—learning how to effectively communicate with your partner is the key to a happy relationship and a pleasurable sex life. But it goes without saying that communication isn’t always as easy as it seems.

Sometimes in a relationship it feels like your partner just isn’t hearing or understanding you. Or, it feels like you can’t seem to express your feelings without hurting your partner. 

So, how do you express your feelings while remaining mindful of your partner’s emotions? 

How do you navigate disagreements and emerge stronger as a couple and partnership?

How do you get on the same page about vulnerable topics like sex?

This guide will help you communicate openly and empathetically with your partner, allowing you to share your feelings and have tough conversations while fostering a deeper connection. But before we can get into how to communicate, it’s important to understand the communication red flags to look out for.

How Not to Communicate with Your Partner

The Gottman Institute shares the “four horsemen” of the communication apocalypse—patterns of negative communication that can (and do) erode relationships over time. These horsemen often feed into one another, creating a negative communication pattern that needs to be broken. The second one in particular is a major cause for divorce in many couples.

Criticism

According to the Gottman Institute, “Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. The latter two are about specific issues, whereas the former is an ad hominem attack. It is an attack on your partner at the core of their character. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being when you criticize.” You can point out something that you wish your partner would have said or done without being critical, with a simple rephrasing of your intended statement.

There is a big difference between…

“I wish you would have done the dishes”

and…

“You never do the dishes.”

The first is a complaint which, whether valid or not, makes you and your feelings the subject. The second is an attack on someone’s character, pointing out their shortcomings or failures as a behavioral pattern. Repeated criticism over time often feeds into the second horseman…

Contempt

Contempt is the most destructive of the four horsemen. It includes mockery, sarcasm, name-calling, or negative body language like eye-rolling and scoffing—actions that communicate disdain and superiority. Contempt creates a toxic environment where one or both partners feel undervalued and disrespected, and the Gottman Institute’s research shows that it is one of the top predictors of divorce.

Interestingly, couples that show contempt for one another are more likely to suffer from infectious illness, because it weakens your immune system.

Defensiveness

Defensiveness is often a reaction to criticism and contempt. According to the Gottman Institute, “When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so that our partner will back off.” But defensiveness almost never works in the way that we intend it to, even though it’s an understandable response to feeling attacked. Because defensiveness causes the situation to escalate, forcing one partner into a position where they need to back down or apologize before the conversation can continue in a productive way. Defensiveness is ultimately an attempt to protect yourself but, in practice, it tends to deflect accountability which doesn’t allow for healthy communication.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when one partner withdraws from the conversation, either physically or emotionally, to avoid the conflict. It often occurs when someone feels overwhelmed and shuts down or freezes, leaving issues unresolved. Stonewalling tends to build up over time and can be a hard-to-break habit.

When we are stonewalling, it’s often because we feel physiologically overwhelmed and become unable to contribute to the conversation in any way. When you find yourself stonewalling, or retreating and freezing up, it’s best to suggest a break and set a time to come back to the conversation. Whether that’s one hour or an entire day—as long as it takes for you to calm your nervous system so that you can be present and active in the conversation.

These horsemen appear in pretty much every relationship (not just romantic ones) at one point or another. No one is perfect, and that includes their communication skills. A bad day, stressful phase of life, or simple misunderstanding or miscommunication can cause the horsemen to rear their ugly heads. What’s important is the ability to recognize when you’re slipping into these negative communication patterns and break them.

There is also a direct behavioral antidote to each of the horsemen, which you can learn more about here.

How to Communicate with Your Partner

If any of the four horsemen sound familiar, don’t worry—you can always improve your communication. The most important thing is recognizing negative patterns and course correcting. If you are struggling to break these patterns and effectively communicate on your own, don’t hesitate to find a trusted therapist or clinician to help you communicate with each other. Sometimes a neutral third party is what you need to see eye to eye, and there is nothing wrong or broken in your relationship if you seek therapy or counseling together.

It’s important to realize that hearing your partner out and working to understand their emotions doesn’t mean that you’re agreeing with what they’re saying. But when discussing difficult topics, active listening is essential. 

Here are a few key strategies for communicating effectively:

• Use “I” Statements: Instead of saying, “You never do this,” reframe it as, “I feel frustrated when…” This approach shifts the focus away from blame and emphasizes your own feelings.
• Validate Their Emotions: Even if you don’t agree with your partner’s point of view, acknowledge their emotions. Statements like “I understand why you feel that way” can prevent defensiveness from creeping in.
• Avoid Escalation: Heated arguments can spiral quickly. If you notice things getting tense, suggest taking a short break to calm down before continuing the conversation.

Remember, you and your partner are on the same team. Even if you have different ideas about how to get there, you ultimately share the same goal—to have a fulfilling and lasting relationship.

How to Communicate with Your Partner About Sex

Navigating conversations about sex can feel tricky, especially when you and your partner have different levels of desire. But open dialogue is crucial for maintaining a fulfilling sexual relationship.

A “healthy” sex life is a goal, not a given. And it looks different for every single relationship. So, how do you have the conversations to help you and your partner get on the same page? The first (and potentially most important) thing is the timing of these conversations. Your serious conversations about sex should happen well before or after a sexual experience. This gives you space to approach the conversation neutrally, with regulated emotions and less risk of one or both parties getting hurt.

Here are a few tips for discussing sexual intimacy:

• Create a Safe Space: Sexual conversations can be emotionally charged, so ensure that both you and your partner feel safe to express your desires and concerns without fear of judgment.
• Be Honest: Share your feelings openly but with sensitivity. Be clear about what you need while also respecting your partner’s comfort level.
• Focus on Solutions: If there are issues around sexual compatibility, work together to find solutions that fulfill both partners’ needs, whether it’s scheduling intimate time or being open to trying new things.

_____________________________________

Spending such a large amount of time with one person, especially as intimately as you do with your romantic partner, it’s almost guaranteed that you will have disagreements. You might even cycle through periods where you feel like all you do is argue, or where you feel like you’re arguing about connection. This is normal, but remember—you are not enemies. The negative cycle of communication is the enemy and you can defeat it together.

Ultimately, when the question is “How do I communicate with my partner?” The answer is: with empathy and respect.

The goal isn’t to “win” an argument. It’s to come out on the other side with a better understanding of each other’s perspectives and feelings. There will likely be things that you and your partner never fully see eye to eye on. But if you can work with each other and give each other the grace you deserve, you can still build the healthy, communicative relationship you desire.