We opened our anonymous Sex Therapist Hotline in 2024 and received dozens of thoughtful, vulnerable, and important questions about sex, relationships, and intimacy. Today, we’re sharing the most frequently asked and insightful questions, along with expert answers from Michelle Fischler, ASTO-certified sex therapist and founder of GETSOME!

On Desire Discrepancy

“What should I do if I’m not in the mood for sex but my partner is?”

It’s completely normal for partners to have different levels of sex drive, or for desire levels to fluctuate over time. Studies show that 80% of couples experience sexual desire discrepancy in their relationships. The most important thing is that neither party feels pressured or coerced into having sex. If you want to maintain the trust and integrity of your relationship, get comfortable with honest conversations about the desire discrepancy, especially if it’s persistent.

Often, we fall into sexual routines with a partner – maybe a make-out session always leads to sex. Try taking sex off the table temporarily and focus on intimacy. A make-out session can be a great way to reignite the romantic spark that could lead to more aligned sexual desires.

On Sexual Communication

“How do I talk to my partner about sexual boundaries and desires without feeling awkward?”

Did you know that couples who talk more about sex have more satisfying sex lives? Opening up about sexual boundaries and desires takes practice and gets easier over time. Remember that you’re on the same team. Try setting up regular “relationship check-in” dates, where you make a nice dinner together and designate time for open conversations about desire and intimacy.

Some practical tips:

• Take turns sharing fantasies and desires
• Start by sharing what you like that they already do
• Aim for 5 positives for every piece of constructive criticism
• Be honest about feeling awkward about sharing
• Have a conversation about what would make both of you feel emotionally safe while opening up

On Sexual Confidence

“I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing but I want to be good at sex. What should I do?”

It’s important to unlink the belief that inexperienced = bad at sex. Usually, it’s the tension, shame, and stress that come from feeling like you’re underperforming that cause you to actually underperform. The best advice is to relax, focus on sensations, and communicate with your partner before, during, and after.

Remember that you might not be sexually compatible with everyone you have a sexual encounter with. You might consider yourself rather “good” at sex but have a hookup where things feel unaligned or off. There are also plenty of external factors—like stress—that can affect your performance in the bedroom.

On Orgasms and Pleasure

“Is squirting real, or is it just a porn thing?”

Short answer? Yes, squirting is a real thing. It’s not just for porn. There are actually a few types of vaginal wetness that might be experienced during sexual stimulation beyond just vaginal lubrication. Female ejaculation is a much thicker substance, closer to male ejaculate in consistency. Squirting fluid tends to be thinner and more transparent.

The belief that squirting is “fake” or “made up” for pornography contributes to the taboo around it. But in reality, squirting is significantly more common than one might think, with approximately 40% of people with vaginas having experienced squirting at least once in their lifetime.

On Opening Up Relationships

“Is ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ an option for opening up our relationship?”

From what we’ve seen and read, a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy for opening up a relationship is risky. More often than not, it’s avoidance. Instead, try setting clear boundaries around what you do and don’t want to hear about. Otherwise, the risk of a perceived betrayal increases.

Opening up a relationship should be a choice that couples make together. Before rushing to set up your online dating profile, make sure that you and your partner are on the same page in terms of agreements, “rules,” and how you want to communicate about your open relationship. Consider carving out time every month to sit together, communicate about your calendar, and check in on your boundaries and comfort.

Final Thoughts

Remember that curiosity about sex is natural and healthy. Whether you’re wondering about desire discrepancy, communication, or specific sexual acts, you’re not alone in your questions. If you have a question you’d like answered anonymously, our Sex Therapist Hotline remains open and ready to provide professional, judgment-free guidance.

Want to continue your sexual education journey? Check out our Unlearning Sexual Shame module, subscribe to our newsletter, or tune into the GETSOME podcast for more candid conversations about sex and relationships.