Have you ever felt ashamed or embarrassed of your sexual desires, experiences, or history? Chances are, you have, and maybe you’ve been grappling with what’s a “normal” amount of discomfort or shame to feel surrounding the topic of sex. If that’s the case, you’re not alone.

It’s not unlikely to have feelings of shame arise during and following sexual encounters. In fact, a 2021 survey of 1,055 women found that 55% of those surveyed didn’t talk about sex and sexuality with their partner(s), largely due to feelings of embarrassment and shame. Even though these feelings may be uncomfortable or feel “wrong,” it’s important to recognize that experiencing sexual shame is neither uncommon nor inherently “wrong.”

If you find yourself wrestling with feelings of shame in relation to sex and sexuality, it’s important to understand that you’re not alone. The “shame monster” works hard to make us feel isolated from our partners, friends, and community. But more people are fighting feelings of sexual shame than you might be aware of. Even people in your close circle.

In this guide, we will explore the concept of sexual shame, unpacking what it means and how it manifests in our everyday lives. By getting to the root of these feelings, we can start building personalized strategies for unlearning sexual shame.

The Manifestation of Sexual Shame

Sexual shame is a deeply ingrained societal construct that often manifests as feelings of guilt, embarrassment, or discomfort surrounding your own sexuality. In a world that is still battling with deep-rooted stigmas and taboos related to sex, it’s not uncommon for people to internalize these societal attitudes, leading to the development of sexual shame.

The ways that these feelings of shame manifest depends on the individual. And they don’t just manifest as feelings of distress and anxiety. Carrying sexual shame can have physical as well as emotional repercussions:

• Physical discomfort and tension – sexual shame can manifest in the body as physical discomfort and tension. This tension can be accompanied by a sense of unease, making it hard to fully relax and enjoy intimate moments.
• Negative body image – individuals experiencing sexual shame often struggle with negative body image. This makes it hard to feel confident and comfortable in your own skin, and not just during sexual experiences.
• Avoidance and repression – a common manifestation of sexual shame is the tendency to avoid or repress sexual thoughts, desires, or activities. This avoidance can create a barrier to healthy sexual exploration and expression.
• Anxiety and guilt – you might experience feelings of anxiety relating to fear of judgment, and/or guilt about your sexuality and desires. These feelings can further the cycle of negative emotions surrounding sexual intimacy.
• Difficulty communicating about sex – this is one of the most dangerous manifestations of guilt, especially for sexually active adults, because trouble communicating our feelings and desires during sex can cause difficulty in upholding one’s personal boundaries.

Causes of Sexual Shame

Often there isn’t one singular cause of sexual shame (though there can be occurrences and experiences that can emphasize or aggravate feelings of shame), but rather, our feelings of shame, guilt, and embarrassment come from a “sexual story” that is written over the course of our entire lives.

Factors that contribute to our personal sexual narrative can include:

• The ways that the people that raised you and the adults in your life talked about sex and sexuality while you were growing up.
• Your peers and their understanding of and attitude towards sex, sexuality, gender, and pleasure.
• Education
• Exposure to different attitudes about sex
• Lived experienced and sexual traumas

Pinpointing and unpacking where these feelings stem from is the key to unlearning shame and creating a liberated sex life for yourself that you truly love to lead. But it’s not always as simple as self-reflection. Our sexual narratives are often complex, twisted stories that take dedicated work to unpack.

Everyone’s story is personal, but if you’re searching for the root of your feelings of sexual shame, these might be a good place to start:

Unpacking Sexual Shame and Religion

One of the most significant contributors to sexual shame is the pervasive influence of purity culture, a set of beliefs and practices often stemming from religious teachings. Even if you weren’t raised as a part of a religion or faith, it’s possible that the impact of religious attitudes towards sex, sexuality, gender, and pleasure have still subtly seeped into your everyday life.

In many instances, religion portrays sex outside of the confines of heteronormativity and marriage as immoral. This false attachment between sex and morality can lead individuals to understand their desires and actions as inherently sinful or bad.

But perhaps one of the most damaging effects that purity culture has on sexuality is that it positions abstinence as the only acceptable path, which causes people to overlook the importance of setting and respecting their own boundaries. But setting and maintaining strong personal boundaries is one of the best ways to overcome and unravel the hold that sexual shame has on us. 

Sexual Shame and Femininity

Identifying as a woman introduces an additional layer of shame surrounding sex and sexuality that is baked into our culture. Throughout history, societal norms and expectations surrounding femininity and womanhood have played a significant role in shaping how women perceive and experience their own sexuality.

Before the widespread availability of modern birth control and safe sex methods, shame served as a powerful societal tool for maintaining public health. This “abstinence as birth control” narrative, mixed with a heavy dose of patriarchal double standards, perpetuated the notion that women should carry the burden of sexual responsibility.

Though we’re living in the modern age, you’ll still find these ideas and beliefs perpetuated throughout our culture–both in practice and in trauma passed down through generations. Unpacking and understanding this gives women and people assigned female at birth the opportunity to embrace and build confidence in their sexuality without the heavy burden of shame.

Sex after Addiction, Infidelity, and More

Though feelings of shame surrounding sex, sexuality, and pleasure are sometimes deep-rooted, insidious, and tricky to unravel, they can just as likely stem from factors that cause your relationship with sex to rapidly shift.

A non-exhaustive list of these causes includes:

• Addiction – addiction can contribute to sexual shame, as individuals may grapple with a sense of loss of control over their own actions or choices. 
• Infidelity – when one or both partners in a monogamous relationship have overstepped a boundary, there are a lot of emotions to deal with, including feelings of guilt and betrayal. This can quickly snowball into feelings of shame as you navigate the aftermath of broken trust and the judgment associated with breaking your established relationship boundaries.
• Parenthood – having kids changes your relationship with yourself, your partner, your body, and your sexuality in many ways. Pregnancy and childbirth are proven to significantly reduce sexual activity in those who gave birth specifically. Less time for yourself and your partner, plus a lowered libido, can cause feelings of shame or embarrassment to arise.  
• Divorce – the breakdown of a marriage and stigma surrounding divorce may cause feelings of sexual shame to emerge or worsen, especially as you navigate what it means to rediscover your sexual self on your own.
• Sexual assault – experiencing sexual assault often results in profound feelings of shame, as survivors may internalize blame or societal judgments. A sexually traumatic event is likely to impact your perception of your own sexuality and self-worth, and if you’re a sexual assault victim we highly recommend seeking professional support on your journey to unravel sexual shame. 

Your Strategies for Unlearning Sexual Shame

Deciding to confront and overcome the feelings of shame that you have surrounding your sexuality is a brave first step towards personal growth and liberation. Acknowledge that this is not an easy process, and it certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey. Building confidence after sexual shame is a nuanced process that requires time, dedication, and an open mind to different approaches.

Consider the following steps to guide you along the way:

1. Prepare – set aside the time to prepare yourself mentally for the introspective journey ahead.
2. Reflect – engage in reflective practices to understand and unpack the roots of your sexual shame. Explore the beliefs, experiences, and societal influences that have shaped your perception of yourself and sexuality in general.
3. Examine – delve deeper into your thought patterns and challenge any negative beliefs or assumptions that you hold about sex and your own desires.
4. Imagine – envision a healthier, shame-free relationship with sex.
5. Resource – seek out resources like educational materials, books, or online modules to further your understanding of sexuality and self-empowerment.

And if you’re feeling inspired to take the next step in your sexual liberation journey and are seeking a companion resource, click here to be the first to know when our modules on Unlearning Sexual Shame are released. These modules work well as self-study tools, as well as supplements to therapy.

As you navigate this process, remember to be patient and kind to yourself. There will be both good and challenging days, but each step forward helps you build a healthier relationship with yourself, your body, and your partners. Ultimately, investing effort into overcoming sexual shame will lead to a more authentic, empowered, and satisfying life.