Conversations and curiosities surrounding sex, sexuality, and pleasure often have a little bit of a secretive air about them. No matter how much work you’ve put into becoming sexually liberated and open minded yourself, there’s still a societal stigma surrounding sex that often keeps us from asking our questions out loud.

But being curious about sex is as much a part of the human experience as, well, sex itself.

That’s why we’ve carved out a space for you to freely explore your curiosities, anonymously ask the questions about sex that you’ve always been nervous to say out loud, and get honest answers from an ASTO-certified sex therapist.

Welcome to Ask a Sex Therapist part one: shame, dating, and sex drive.

(By the way, if you’re already eager to anonymously ask your question and potentially have it featured in the next edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, you can click here to anonymously submit your question to GETSOME’s Sex Therapy hotline.)

“Why do I feel shame after sexting?”

Sexting is supposed to be fun. A way to spice things up with a long distance partner or engage in foreplay before you’re in the same room as someone. While some are sexting pros, effortlessly firing off their latest spicy selfie without a second thought, some of us feel a lingering sense of unease after engaging in sexting.

So, why do you feel embarrassed or ashamed after sexting? Let’s unpack it. 

There isn’t one “correct” answer as to why you might feel shame after sexting. A lot of it has to do with your own personal narrative surrounding sex, pleasure, and sexuality. This narrative is influenced by so many moving parts that it’s almost impossible for two people to have the exact same relationship to sex and shame. Factors like your upbringing, religion, gender, sexual orientation, and so much more all play a part in how we process our sexual experiences and feelings in adulthood.

If you grew up on the internet, you’ve almost definitely learned about the “dangers of sexting” and seen the laws banning “revenge porn” become more and more common. While these laws and lessons are important for everyone’s safety, it’s not unusual that they might instill some fear in you.

Additionally, there’s a public element to the act that very likely contributes to any feelings of shame that you experience. Sexting is on record. It can put you in an emotionally and physically vulnerable position which, after the fact, might contribute some feelings of shame.

It goes without saying that sexting between two (or more!) consenting adults is perfectly normal. The choice is completely up to you, and if you love sexting as foreplay (or the main event), then you deserve to partake free from feelings of shame.

The key to unlearning and freeing yourself from feelings of sexual shame is to get to the root cause of the shame and rewrite your own personal narrative surrounding shame. If you’re struggling with feelings of shame and want to begin unlearning them, click here to learn more about our digital learning module, Unlearning Sexual Shame.

“Is it okay to have sex on the first date?”

There is a lot of chatter about whether or not it’s “okay” to have sex on the first date. Some people will say that it doesn’t matter, some people live by made up rules about waiting until at least the fourth date, and many people have some cruel and untrue things to say about people who have sex on the first date.

Of course it’s okay to have sex on the first date. Just like it’s okay to not have sex on the first date, or to wait until marriage. It’s all about communication, and respecting boundaries (yours and your potential partner’s).

That said, there is an especially large burden placed on women to not have sex on the first date for fear of seeming “easy.” But there’s almost no evidence that shows that abstaining from sex is “better” for the relationship in the long run, meaning there’s no correlation between “waiting for marriage” and a lowered chance of divorce.

If it feels like the right moment; you’re excited, and your partner is excited… go for it. There’s no need to follow arbitrary rules about sex and dating if you don’t want to. And if there’s not a second date afterwards? It wasn’t meant to be anyways.

“What’s a ‘normal’ sex drive?”

There is no normal when it comes to libido.

Some people prefer to have sex multiple times per day and other people don’t want sex at all. Both are totally normal, as long as it’s not causing you distress.

When it comes to sex drive, what really matters is the ability to communicate with your partner or partners when your libidos don’t align. There will always be times when you feel mismatched with partners in terms of sex drive. But that doesn’t spell doom for your relationship. There are plenty of ways to meet in the middle. 

Casually labeling someone as having “low sex drive” is stigmatizing as it erases the existence of orientations like asexuality and demisexuality. Not only that, but your sex drive can change day to day, and will change over the course of your life. It’s situational–significantly influenced by factors such as hormones and parenthood, and known to be affected by mental health issues and life circumstances.

There’s no way to measure “normal” when it comes to your sex drive, because it’s all normal (as long as it feels right to you). But if you feel like your libido, your sexual urges, and your inability to control your impulses is impeding you from living your life happily and comfortably, a sex therapist can help with that.

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Talking about sex can be liberating, empowering, and a lot of fun. If you loved this post, then you’re in the right place! Here are some other ways that you can continue the sex talk with GETSOME:

Click here to listen to the GETSOME Podcast

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And, if you have any questions that you want to anonymously submit for the next edition of Ask a Sex Therapist, click here to ask away!