It goes without saying that motherhood is a life-altering experience. Not only does your body go through significant hormonal and physical shifts, but you are also now responsible for a living human being that is entirely dependent on you for everything that they need to survive and thrive. Even mothers who have children through adoption or a surrogate experience a major shift in who they are and how they lead their lives.

It’s a lot of pressure for one person to handle, and if you’re feeling the strain of motherhood, know that the desire to reclaim the parts of yourself that you may have put on the backburner when you had your kid(s) is totally normal.

Because parenthood can be so demanding, and shift so many of your priorities and so much of who you are at your core, sexuality is often the first thing to fly out the window after children. You don’t have time to sleep, eat a meal in peace, or take a shower that lasts longer than 5 minutes. How are you supposed to prioritize your own pleasure when you can’t even prioritize your own rest and recovery? 

As a mother myself, sex left my brain entirely for months after having children (which if you know anything about me is surprising, because I’m pretty much always thinking about sex). But my profession and experience helped me go into motherhood with realistic expectations about sex, which kept me from being too hard on myself when I had no desire to be intimate after kids. For me, sex was out of the question until I got a full night’s sleep. Any parents reading this knows that took a while.

If you’re a new mother or someone who has dedicated themselves to motherhood, you might find yourself wondering…

“When will I feel like a sexual being again?”

The answer is personal: whenever you’re ready. There’s no right or wrong way to approach rediscovering your sexuality after kids. 

If you’re ready to start reclaiming and exploring your sexuality, you’re in the right place. This blog is a great place to start.

How Motherhood Impacts Sexuality

There are so many ways in which motherhood can take a toll on your sex drive. Not only do your priorities shift immensely, but parenting is a 24/7 job that takes up the vast majority of your free time.

On top of that, many mothers feel pressure from all angles– their bodies aren’t the same as they used to be, they are faced with hormonal and emotional shifts, and there’s an unfair societal expectation for women to “bounce back” after childbirth, immediately being the fully functional, happy and fulfilled, “picture perfect” mother. It goes without saying that this is a load of bologna and deeply rooted in patriarchy and misogyny. I’d like to see a man give birth to a 9lb baby or   undergo a major surgical procedure while conscious, then we’ll talk about “bouncing back.”

But with all those factors converging to create a major mental you-know-what storm, it’s no wonder that so many mothers feel like they’ve lost their sexuality along the way.

You’re touched out, exhausted, and the spare moments that you do get for yourself are spent showering, eating a peaceful meal, or sneaking in a few extra minutes of sleep.

So what do you do to feel like your sexual self again? Even moreso, why does it matter?

The Importance of Feeling Sexy

It’s worth mentioning that not everyone prioritizes sex and sexuality in the same way. But if you’re someone who feels most like yourself when you’re connected to your sexuality, feeling like you’ve lost sight of that connection can be a devastating blow to your self-esteem.

Though it might feel difficult right now, finding ways to feel loved, valued, and desired can be a critical aspect of feeling like yourself again postpartum. 

On a physical level, a healthy sex life has benefits such as lowered blood pressure, a strengthened immune system, improved heart health, better sleep, and reduced stress. On a personal and emotional level, a healthy sex life can help you discover (or rediscover) your confidence in your body, nurture your emotional connection with yourself or your partner, and reprioritize your own self-care.

Tips for Getting Your Mojo Back Postpartum

Though it can be difficult to carve out extra time in your day, the key to rediscovering and reclaiming your sexuality after having children is to spend a little bit of time every day prioritizing self-care and personal time. Even if that’s 5-15 minutes of intimate time with yourself or your partner after you put the baby down, every minute counts.

In addition to carving out intentional time to practice intimacy, here are few other tips for feeling like your sexual self again after children:

Keep an open and honest line of communication with your partner.

How you’re feeling, how they can support you, how you want to feel… all of these things can help them help you get your mojo back.

Practice desire and intimacy.

Believe it or not, desire and intimacy are like muscles that need to be exercised in order to remain in their best form. You can’t be expected to just jump back into things after a hiatus and not be a little rusty. The more you practice, the better you get.

Be patient with and kind to yourself.

You are doing the best you can with what you’ve got. Instead of holding yourself to expectations that you’ll never be able to realistically meet, give yourself grace and kindness during this period of immense change in your life.

Remember that you’re not alone.

There are so many mothers that are feeling the exact same thing as you and facing the exact same struggles. Take comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in the feelings that you’re having and roadblocks that you’re facing, and don’t be afraid to reach out to other mothers, community support groups, your loved ones, or professionals for additional help.

The Importance of Asking for Help

The phrase “it takes a village” still holds true, but it seems that we’ve lost our village. We used to raise children communally, with everyone taking responsibility for the wellbeing and upbringing of the community’s kids. There are many cultures that still raise children this way, but Western parenting practices encourage parental independence. We are more isolated from our communities and extended families than ever before. We don’t have a village to lean on when we need support.

This makes prioritizing our own needs a struggle, if only because we’re extremely short on free time. It also makes us feel like asking for help or support is a burden on the people around us, which it definitely isn’t.

When you’re struggling, asking for help can feel like an insurmountable task. But please reach out to your friends and family, or seek professional support if you’re struggling postpartum. We’ve also linked resources below for mothers who need support in both Canada and the United States:

Resources for mothers in Canada

Resources for mothers in the U.S.

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The journey of reclaiming your sexuality as a mother requires patience, self-compassion, and understanding. Motherhood is a challenge that changes you forever. Though from personal experience I can confidently say that it’s the most rewarding challenge you’ll ever face.

Rediscovering your sexuality after children is a personal journey, and there’s no “correct” timeline. Whether you’re ready to explore intimacy again or need more time, know that whatever you choose is the correct option for you.