Let’s get one thing straight Having a soft penis doesn’t mean something’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Let’s say it again for the anxious, spiraling, performance-pressured inner voice in the back of the room: A soft penis isn’t a failure. It’s feedback.

It’s important to understand the concept of unshaming erections and how it can positively affect one’s mental health.

Erectile disappointment — a term I prefer over the more pathologizing “erectile dysfunction” — is when your erection doesn’t show up (or stick around) the way you hoped it would. And it can suck.

Not because your body is broken. But because we were taught it shouldn’t happen. That it’s shameful. That your worth or masculinity is somehow tied to how hard, how long, or how easily you can stay erect.

And that’s just not true.

This blog is about reframing the soft penis. It’s not about fixing or performing — it’s about unshaming erections.

What is Erectile Disappointment (and Why It’s Not ED)

Understanding Unshaming Erections

Erectile disappointment is what happens when your mind wants sex, but your body isn’t exactly on board — or vice versa. It’s often caused by:

• Performance anxiety
• Fatigue or stress
• Pressure to “stay hard”
• Mismatched timing with arousal
• Over-focus on your partner’s experience
• Aging
• Medical concerns

Erectile dysfunction, on the other hand, is the clinical diagnosis listed in the DSM-V: a persistent or recurrent inability to get or maintain an erection firm enough for penetrative sex. You can read more on the official diagnostic criteria here. It may require medical or psychological treatment, particularly when it stems from an organic issue. There’s also an ongoing discourse around how the DSM defines and applies these criteria — especially when it comes to how quickly discomfort gets medicalized. It’s often easier to prescribe medication than to truly understand the emotional and identity-level impact of a shifting erection. And when most of the decision-makers in these systems are men — who’ve internalized that the erection is still the ultimate symbol of manhood — it makes sense that ‘fixing it fast’ becomes the norm. And to be clear, medication absolutely has its place. But no pill will wipe away the shame of needing one — nor will it guarantee that your sexual experience will be pleasurable, connected, or free of pressure. Taking a pill to avoid being seen as soft is not the same as coming to terms with what softness brings up inside.

And let’s be honest — pharmaceutical companies don’t exactly want you to explore that. Ads for Viagra and men’s clinics dominate Google search results, especially when someone types in “why do I lose my erection.” Content like this — the kind that helps you sit with your experience rather than run from it — gets buried because it doesn’t sell fast solutions. The system is built to favour pills over honest reflection, performance over presence. That’s why this work is radical. And why it matters.

It’s true that both experiences can be distressing, but the emotional thread running through them — grief, shame, frustration — often shows up long before (and long after) any diagnosis. That’s why I use the term erectile disappointment. It captures the lived experience of those moments when your erection isn’t cooperating, regardless of whether it’s chronic, occasional, or somewhere in between. It’s a more honest, more human way to name what so many people feel — without jumping straight to medical labels.

The Shame Spiral Around Softness

Softness can bring up a whole shame story:

• “I’m not a real man.”
• “My partner is going to leave me.”
• “I must not be attracted to them.”
• “I’m broken.”

Shame makes us turn inward — sometimes in silence, sometimes with blame. If you’re a clinician supporting clients with penis shame or sexual performance anxiety, it’s vital to normalize that softness isn’t failure. That might look like avoiding sex, overcompensating with performance, or dissociating during intimacy. None of that helps pleasure. But all of it is valid.

Soft penis? Tender moment? Let’s reframe that.

No pressure to perform. Just presence. Curiosity. A moment to listen to your body instead of battling it.

🎧 Then go deeper with the podcast episode:
👉 Learning-to-Love-your-Penis-through-Thick-and-Foreskin

Rewire Sexual Performance Anxiety With Mindfulness for ED

One of the best tools we use in our ED Mindfulness Audio Series is this reframe:

The Importance of Unshaming Erections

“My penis isn’t a performance tool. It’s a barometer. A communicator. A part of me that gets overwhelmed just like the rest of me.”

That shift alone can interrupt the pressure spiral.

Instead of forcing an erection to prove something, we teach clients and clinicians to use:

• Body scanning
• Anchoring into the breath
• Shame mapping
• Awareness
• Mindful presence
• Playfulness
• Curiousity
• Eroticism

And yes — like exploring touch, sensation, tools, and shifting the focus away from goal-oriented sex.

Penetration is not the finish line. Connection is.

For Partners: What to Say (and Not Say)

If your partner is experiencing erectile disappointment, your reaction matters more than you know.

Avoid Saying:

• “It’s fine, I’m used to it.”
• “What’s wrong with you?”
• “Is it me?”

Try Saying Instead:

• “Let’s take the pressure off and just enjoy being close.”
• “I’m here with you. What do you need right now?”
• “We don’t need an erection to have a good time.”
• “Let’s focus on what feels good for both of us, no matter what that looks like.”
• “It’s okay—this doesn’t change how I feel about you.”
• “There’s no rush. We can take our time.”
• “I care about you, not just about sex.”
• “We’re in this together.

Curiosity beats criticism every time.

Clinician Note: How to Talk to Clients About Erections

If you’re a therapist, sex educator, or clinician supporting penis owners, here’s how to hold that space with more clarity, safety, and skill:

1. Address Stigma and Normalize the Conversation
   ED is common — but stigma makes it feel isolating. Name the shame and create space for honest, unjudged conversation.
2. Use Open-Ended, Nonjudgmental Questions
   Ask things like: “What messages did you receive growing up about erections or sexual performance?” Early narratives can shape adult pressure.
3. Integrate Somatic and Mindfulness Approaches
   Teach clients to notice sensation and emotion without judgment. Grounding and breath can support arousal regulation and presence.
4. Assess for Medical and Psychosocial Factors
   ED is often tied to medical conditions. Encourage a check-in with their doctor to rule out physical contributors.
5. Emphasize Relationship and Communication Skills
   Normalize talking about sex. Supporting communication helps reduce pressure, increase intimacy, and reframe success.
6. Trauma-Informed Practice
   Remember: sexual function is a whole-body experience. Slow the pace. Regulate the nervous system. Prioritize safety.
7. Provide Psychoeducation and Resources
   Offer clear, shame-free info about erectile challenges. Include audio, handouts, and reputable sites.
8. Avoid the “Fix-It” Mentality
   You don’t need to solve it. You just need to stay. Explore. Be curious. That’s what heals.

Looking for tools to support yourself or your clients? Our store is full of trauma-informed, somatic-based resources — including the Shame Detox Video Series, The Easing Erection Anxiety Audio Series, and practical PDF Guides for clinicians and curious humans alike. 👉 Explore all our tools in the store

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Erection disappointment isn’t a verdict. It’s a moment.

And every moment can be a chance to unshame, reconnect, and redefine what pleasure looks like for you.

💬 What story are you ready to rewrite?

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