After a sexual encounter, you might expect to feel empowered or elated. But instead, you feel sad, anxious, and even shameful. At times, these feelings might even be strong enough that you avoid sex altogether, maybe even shying away from sex as a topic of conversation because the feelings of shame are so strong. 

If you are struggling with feelings of shame and anxiety surrounding sex, it’s important to emphasize that you are not alone. Feelings of shame and guilt surrounding sex are a surprisingly common occurrence. But more importantly, know that it’s completely possible to unpack and unlearn the feelings of sexual shame that you’re struggling with. 

So why do those feelings of shame happen? And how can you get rid of them, once and for all?

Sources of Sexual Shame

If you suffer from feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, or shame after sex, it’s possible that you’re struggling with post-sex blues, though that’s not necessarily always the case.

Sources of sexual shame are different for everyone. Sometimes they’re obvious, like leaving a religion or growing up in a conservative household. Sometimes, they’re more personal or difficult to pinpoint. Often, there isn’t one singular cause of sexual shame. But rather, our shame is shaped by the experiences we have and the “narrative” that we create over the course of our lives. Factors that contribute to this narrative can include:

• The ways that the people that raised you and the adults in your life talked about sex and sexuality while you were growing up.
• Your peers and their understanding of and attitude towards sex, sexuality, gender, and pleasure.
• Sexual education, or lack thereof.
• Exposure to different attitudes about sex
• Lived experienced and sexual traumas

Remember, if you’re struggling to deal with sexual shame on your own, there are always resources and licensed therapists ready to help. 

Rewriting Your Sexual Narrative

The best news is, it’s never too late to start a blank page in your sexual story. Regardless of your upbringing, experiences, or environment, you can start unraveling the narrative that you’ve built and rewrite a story of sexual freedom and empowerment. Though the experiences and beliefs that have shaped your story thus far will always be a part of you, they do not have to define you. 

Understanding and unlearning sexual shame is not always an easy process, and it certainly isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. You might find that something that has helped others isn’t as helpful to you, and that’s okay! It’s all about doing what works best for you and giving yourself grace in the process.

Here are the steps that I recommend taking to guide you through the self-discovery and healing process:

• Prepare – learn about what shame is and whether you are ready to unpack and unlearn sexual shame. Remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. There is always the option to see a therapist or clinician and talk with them about the journey ahead and how you’re feeling.
• Reflect – engage in reflective practices to understand and unpack the roots of your sexual shame. Explore the beliefs, experiences, and societal influences that have shaped your perception of yourself and sexuality in general.
• Examine – delve deeper into your thought patterns and challenge any negative beliefs or assumptions that you hold about sex and your own desires.
• Imagine – envision a healthier, shame-free relationship with sex.
• Resource – seek out resources like educational materials, books, or online modules to further your understanding of sexuality and self-empowerment.

If reading this post has left you feeling inspired to start your journey towards freedom from sexual shame, I highly recommend checking out GETSOME’s self-led course, Unlearning Sexual Shame. This module takes a four-step approach towards understanding, unpacking, and unlearning your feelings of sexual shame. It’s the perfect self-study tool, as well as a supplement to any therapy practice you’re already participating in.