Research shows that sexual shame affects a significant portion of adults, impacting everything from our self-image to our closest relationships. Whether these feelings stem from upbringing, culture, or lived experiences, we can all agree that we would rather keep shame out of our most vulnerable and intimate moments. Yet there it is, like the worst guest to ever crash your party, getting loud when you’re trying to get down. 

But, if you’re juggling a sex life with feelings of sexual shame, there is good news: you can still have a satisfying sex life while working through these feelings. Let’s talk about how.

Recognizing Sexual Shame

Sexual shame often shows up in sneaky ways. Though some might be acutely aware of what they are experiencing, others may be dealing with feelings of shame that feel like they have no true source. Maybe you find yourself:

• Avoiding intimate conversations with your partner
• Feeling unworthy of pleasure or connection
• Experiencing anxiety before or during sexual encounters
• Having difficulty expressing your desires or boundaries
• Comparing yourself to unrealistic standards
• Apologizing for your body or sexual desires
• Feeling guilty for experiencing pleasure

These reactions are your body and mind’s response to deeply ingrained messages about sexuality. Understanding this is your first step toward change. Remember, these feelings didn’t develop overnight. They are created through the sexual narrative that has been crafted over the course of your entire life. Often, these feelings of shame are cultural and societal messages that we’ve internalized since childhood.

Practical Steps for Unpacking Sexual Shame (While Living Your Life)

We get it—working through sexual shame while trying to maintain a healthy relationship (or explore new ones) can feel like trying to change a tire while driving on the highway. It’s complex, messy, and sometimes uncomfortable. But you don’t have to put your life or relationships on hold while you do the work, if you don’t want to. Here are two ways to navigate this unlearning experience while giving yourself the grace you need:

Start with Gentle Self-Awareness

Think of it like becoming friends with your inner world. Make note of the instances where shame pops up. If you feel a sense of discomfort after expressing a desire of yours, pause for a moment and ask yourself “Why? What about this is causing me discomfort?”. Mentally bookmark these moments, or jot them down. But don’t cast judgment on yourself. You’re simply gathering information about situations that trigger your shame so that you can begin understanding and unpacking it.

Talk About Your Shame

Shame wants to be hidden away, because that’s where it grows stronger. Fight back by being open and honest with your feelings. Start small, expressing your nerves or anxiety to a trusted person the next time those feelings arise. You can say something like “Sometimes I feel anxious during sex and I’m not sure why, but I’d like to explore where that’s coming from.” Or, if you’re not comfortable expressing your feelings of shame to a partner or trusted friend, talk to a sex therapist about it.

Sexual Shame in Relationships

Sexual shame doesn’t exist in a vacuum—it shows up in our partnerships, affecting both the person experiencing it and their partner. Maybe you freeze up during intimate moments, struggle to communicate your needs, or feel waves of panic when your partner initiates. This isn’t just about sex; it’s about connection, vulnerability, and trust.

When you’re the one experiencing shame, it’s easy to get caught in cycles of apologies and avoidance. Remember, your shame isn’t a character flaw. It’s a response to experiences and messages you’ve internalized. Being honest with your partner about what you’re going through isn’t admitting failure. It’s creating space for real connection and intimacy.

Supporting a Partner Through Sexual Shame

If your partner is working through sexual shame, you’re probably walking a delicate line between wanting to be supportive and trying not to feel rejected. Their shame isn’t about you, even when it feels personal. It’s not a reflection of your desirability or worth, and it’s not your responsibility to “fix.”

But you can support your partner through unpacking and unlearning their sexual shame by creating comfort and safety for them. This means:

• Meeting their vulnerability with compassion
• Respecting their boundaries
• Asking what support looks like for them, and following through
• Being patient with the process
• Being honest about your own needs
• Showing up consistently for your partner

Remember, true intimacy isn’t just about physical connection. True intimacy is creating a space where both partners can be authentically themselves.

Unpacking and Unlearning Sexual Shame

Ultimately, shedding your feelings of sexual shame isn’t as simple as following a step-by-step process. Some days you’ll feel confident, some days you won’t. That’s totally normal. Remember, you deserve pleasure, connection, and intimacy free from shame. Your experiences are valid, your feelings make sense, and you’ve already made massive progress just from reading this post.
Ready to take the work deeper? The Shame Detox: A Sexuality Masterclass is like having a shame-busting toolkit in your pocket. We’ll walk you through evidence-based techniques for managing those tricky moments, building sexual confidence, and creating healthier relationships—all while keeping it real and judgment-free. Click here to start shedding those feelings of shame.