Many people have one or a few things that really get them going. Maybe it’s a particular body part, a specific material, or a certain type of interaction. If you’ve ever wondered why you’re drawn to something specific during sex, you’re not alone—research shows that approximately 45–60% of adults have fantasized about specific kinks (with less having actually participated in said kink). There are many people who believe that their fetishes and desires are taboo, “bad,” or “too much” until they find themselves in affirming spaces and they realize that there is a place for everyone in the kink community. If that’s you, then it might be time to dive deeper into your desires to get to a place of confidence.

Let’s dive into the science behind fetishes, kinks, and sexual preferences (and the difference between the three!), plus how to safely and pleasurably explore your kinks and fetishes with yourself and your partner(s).

What’s the difference between fetish, kink, and sexual attraction?

Although the terms can be used interchangeably (especially “fetish” and “kink,” which we’ll get into in a second), they have notably different meanings. 

Sexual Attraction

Sexual attraction is a specific trait or feature that you find attractive in another person. Maybe you are attracted to tall people, blondes, big boobs, whatever it is that sparks sexual feelings from looking at or interacting with another person can be defined as sexual attraction. It’s also worth noting that physical attraction and sexual attraction are two different things—sexual attraction means that you want to get down and dirty with someone, physical attraction simply means that you’re drawn to them.

Kinks

Kinks are sexual behaviors, something that you like to bring to the bedroom in order to make the experience more enjoyable for you. Unlike fetishes, kinks are simply preferences that are guaranteed to get you off, like bondage or role play. They’re not “requirements” for a good time, per se, but they do make a sexual interaction much better. Another important aspect of the definition of a kink is the fact that it’s something seen as “taboo” or “out of the ordinary.” There’s nothing wrong with having kinks (as long as everyone involved is consenting and safe!), but it’s something that might be unofficially classified as “non-vanilla.”

Fetishes

Similarly to a kink, a fetish is an intense interest in an object, activity, or body part. The difference between a kink and a fetish, however, is that a fetish is non-negotiable for sexual satisfaction. For example, a person with a foot kink could still have a satisfying and pleasurable sexual encounter with someone without feet being involved, a person with a foot fetish cannot.

The Science of Sexual Desire

A study by Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a leading sex researcher, found that nearly everyone (97–98% of participants, to be exact) reported having sexual fantasies. So, it’s safe to say that a lot of people have sexual fantasies. But where do they come from?

Kinks and sexual preferences can either be developed during childhood through exposure or experiences, or later on in life simply through figuring out what you do and don’t like. Fantasies, erotic media, masturbation, and porn can all contribute to developing sexual attractions and kinks throughout your life.

As far as fetishes go, they (like many things in the field of psychology), remain a little more mysterious. Different scientists and researchers have different theories, but many theorize that these are likely contributing factors:

• Neural pathway development during crucial sexual development periods
• Classical conditioning, being unconsciously trained to associate an item or action with sexual satisfaction
• Genetic predispositions to certain types of learning
• Early sexual experiences that create powerful associations

Are fetishes a mental illness?

Fetishistic Disorder is classified in the DSM-5 as a paraphilic disorder. According to the Merck Manual, paraphilic disorders are “recurrent, intense, sexually arousing fantasies, urges, or behaviors that are distressing or disabling or disabling…” But that definition leaves little room for nuance or individual interpretation. Though a fetish is technically classified as a mental illness, that doesn’t make it inherently dangerous or wrong. Having a fetish only becomes dangerous when it is harmful to yourself or others, or impedes your ability to live a normal, functional life. If you feel that you have a fetish (or other paraphilic disorder) that has the potential to become harmful to yourself or others, please seek help from a licensed sex therapist or mental health professional.

How to Safely Explore Your Sexual Interests

As long as everyone involved is a consenting adult, we are big fans of safely exploring and experimenting with your sexual interests. But you can’t just dive straight in, especially when your interests involve another person. Understand any potential risks and necessary safety measures, set a plan and discuss things like safe words and aftercare with your partner(s).

Our society doesn’t necessarily encourage open and honest conversations about “taboo” topics like sex, let alone kink. But this is an essential first step towards getting to a place where you can enjoy your sexual interests, kinks, and fetishes safely and comfortably. 

Essential safety steps include:

• Researching potential risks associated with your particular interests
• Learning proper techniques from qualified educators
• Establishing clear boundaries and consent protocols
• Creating safety plans before they’re needed

Tips for Bringing Your Desires to Your Partner(s)

Perhaps the most challenging aspect of exploring fetishes and kinks is talking about them with sexual partner(s). Research shows that clear communication about sexual interests actually increases relationship satisfaction, even if partners don’t share the same interests. Set clear boundaries for yourself, respect your partners’ limits, and ensure everyone enthusiastically consents during each step of your shared journey.

Here are some key communication strategies if you want to bring a kink, fetish, or sexual interest to a partner:

• Get clear on your desires before you bring them to a partner. Use self-reflection exercises like journaling to gain clarity on what you actually want to explore and experience so that you can accurately express them to a partner.
• Choose the right time and place for the conversation. Immediately before, during, or after sex is not the time to introduce something new, because emotions are running high. Instead, give some distance between a sexual encounter and the conversation so that you can talk it through together rationally.
• Start with smaller explorations to gauge interest. That’s not to say that you should be keeping your ultimate desire a secret from your partner(s), just that you can ease into it together and work your way up to the big fetish (if your partner is comfortable with it).
• Use “I” statements to express your interests. Do your best to explain your desires to your partner, help them understand why exploring this interest is important to you.
• Be prepared to answer questions. Approach the conversation with an open mind, and be ready to answer questions that your partner has.
• Respect your partner’s reactions and boundaries. If you can’t agree to try something new right away, talk about ways that you can ease into it or find a middle ground.

Exploring Kinks and Fetishes Safely

Thank you to Heidi Argyle, Registered Art Therapist, Certified Sex Therapist, and Kink Knowledgeable Therapist for helping us gather and share the following resources. Click here to learn more about her work!

If you’re curious, the essentials are consent, communication, and education. Here are some risk-aware kink frameworks:

• SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual): Encourages thoughtful, informed play.
• RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink): Recognizes some kinks involve risk but prioritizes consent and negotiation.
• PRICK (Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink): Stresses personal accountability in exploration.

Want more details? Check out this guide.

How to Explore Your Kinks

1. Self-Reflection: Journaling can help pinpoint what excites you. Submissive Guide has great prompts.
2. Do Your Research: Learn about your interests. Submissive Guide’s BDSM intro is a great resource.
3. Talk It Out: Clear, honest convos with partners are non-negotiable. The Consent Academy has helpful info.
4. Find Your People: Join discussions on FetLife or attend local munches (kink-friendly social events).
5. Play Smart: Use safe words, set boundaries, and prioritize aftercare. NCSF’s Consent Report covers essential insights.
6. Go Slow: No rush—take your time and explore at your own pace.
7. Prioritize Aftercare: Taking care of yourself and partners post-play is crucial.
8. Check Out Workshops: Dare Campbell offers accessible kink education.

Remember, shame around sexual interests is, in most cases, more harmful than the interests themselves. The healthiest approach to fetishes and kinks is through curiosity, respect, and informed consent. Whether you’re just beginning to understand your interests or you’re looking to explore them more deeply, remember that variation in sexual desire is normal and natural. The key is approaching exploration with knowledge, safety, and open communication. Learning to express your desires in a safe and affirming environment opens the door to spaces where you actively celebrate, rather than merely tolerate, your desires. When it comes to confidence and pleasure, this changes everything.