Sometimes it feels like everyone you know who isn’t in a monogamous relationship is hooking up with people that they meet at the bar, the club, or on a dating app. In fact, every potential match on dating apps these days feels like they’re “just looking for something casual.”

If you’re single and looking for something serious, not looking for anything at all, or simply not a fan of casual sex, it’s easy to feel isolated. Like you’re the only one of your peers who isn’t into the whole “hook up” thing. But a quick Google search will show you hundreds of people posting to public forums like Quora and Reddit looking for the answer to the question…

“I hate hooking up. Is that okay?”

If you’re firmly planted in the “hate hooking up” camp (or if you’re exploring your relationship with casual sex), it’s reassuring to scroll through these posts and realize that you really aren’t alone in these feelings. Especially when people close to you enjoy casual sexual encounters.

Whether or not you hook up is a personal choice. As long as you and your partners are consenting adults, there’s no right or wrong way to lead your own sex life. If you love hooking up, that’s great. If you hate it, also great.

Choosing whether or not to hook up is an inherently morally neutral decision.

What is hook up culture?

“Hook up culture” is a blanket term for a societal trend that emphasizes casual sexual encounters. These interactions often occur outside of the context of a romantic relationship, and are frequently in reference to sexual interactions with strangers. 

Hookup culture is typically defined by the following traits, though it looks and feels different for everyone:

• Casual nature – hooking up often occurs without the expectations or responsibilities associated with traditional relationships. Though many people have found themselves feeling something more for their “friend with benefit” (who doesn’t love a classic friends to lovers trope?), participants don’t go into a hook up looking for a committed relationship.
• Emphasis on physical pleasure – the primary focus of hook-up culture is often the physical aspect of the encounter, prioritizing pleasure over emotions.
• Temporary and spontaneous – though many people go out looking for a hookup, the spur of the moment nature is often a turn on for participants.

Societal attitudes towards hooking up and hook-up culture vary widely. Different individuals hold distinct beliefs, with some viewing it as liberating and empowering, and others perceiving it more negatively. Regardless of societal beliefs or peer pressure, the only thing that truly matters when it comes to hooking up is your personal comfort level.

Is not enjoying hookups normal?

Yes.

We could end it there, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with choosing not to hook up. As long as you’re not causing yourself or other harm, you are fully entitled to your own preferences and proclivities.

Just like it’s okay to set a boundary around hooking up, casual sex, and one night stands, it’s okay to change your mind. Over your lifetime, your sexual attitudes, beliefs, and preferences are bound to shift. You might find yourself getting curious about hooking up, and experimenting with casual sex within your comfort zone is totally fine!

Your sexuality is a lifelong journey, it’s okay to stay the same and it’s okay to change your mind.

How to hook up safely

If you’re ready to start experimenting with casual sex and hooking up, but feel some reservation or confusion, we’re happy to help! Hooking up is different from having sex with a regular partner, and therefore requires a different approach.

Here are a few key things to keep in mind in order to hook up safely:

Consent

It might feel like a given, but it always bears repeating– clear and enthusiastic consent is a requirement for any and every sexual encounter. Before you get down to business, make sure that you’re clearly communicating your boundaries and desires, and that all parties feel comfortable and cared for (and no, communication won’t take away from the sexy, spontaneous feeling of hooking up).

Using Protection

Even if you or your partner are actively taking oral contraceptives or using other birth control methods, using condoms or other methods of barrier protection are essential to hooking up. Not only does this greatly minimize the risk of unintended pregnancy, but it also vastly reduces the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs), which is an area of concern when you aren’t familiar with your partner’s sexual history.

Knowing your limits

Setting and enforcing your own physical and emotional boundaries will not only help you have a better time during your hook up, but they will ensure that you are taking care of your own physical and mental health during and after the encounter. Be assertive in expressing what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not, and when your partner or partners express their boundaries, listen to them.

Safety

On top of feeling comfortable during your hook up, we want you to be safe as well. Having sex or hooking up with a total stranger necessitates an added layer of safety and awareness. Choose a safe and comfortable environment for the encounter, and let a trusted friend know about your plans and location.

Trust your instincts

Your instincts and intuitions are always worth listening to, but doubly so during a hookup. If something feels uncomfortable or “off,” don’t hesitate to pump the brakes, reassess the situation, and remove yourself from the situation if necessary. You will never regret taking yourself out of a situation that doesn’t feel right.

Get regular health check ups

It’s always a good idea to get regular health check ups, but when you’re hooking up it’s crucial to prioritize your sexual health. Taking proactive measures to monitor your sexual health (through regular STI screenings) protects both you and your future partners, and empowers you with the knowledge of your own wellbeing.

Hooking up and feelings of sexual shame

Hookup culture isn’t without its repercussions. A 2012 poll of 200 college students found that 78% of women and 72% percent of men reported experiencing regret following a casual sexual encounter. Without many recent studies, it’s tough to statistically measure how guilt and shame surrounding hooking up has changed in the past decade–with sex positive attitudes becoming more widely accepted and dating apps making hooking up literally as simple as swiping right. But anecdotally, we have noticed that feelings of embarrassment, guilt, and shame surrounding specific encounters and hooking up in general still persist with our clients and community members.

If you’re struggling with feelings of shame, guilt, and trouble setting emotional boundaries in casual sex, unpacking and reframing your sexual shame might be a useful tool for you. Our first set of online modules, Unlearning Sexual Shame, are designed to help you identify the root of your feelings of shame and rewrite your sexual narrative to be positive, pleasurable, and empowering. Click here to join the waitlist and be the first to know when they’re released.

Ultimately, the answer to the question “Is it normal to not enjoy hooking up?” is an enthusiastic and resounding yes. Everyone has a unique relationship to sex, sexuality, and intimacy. It’s okay to prioritize and enforce what feels right for you, even if that’s different from how your friends or peers think and act. 

If you want to hear candid conversations about sex, sexuality, and shame with people from all walks of life, click here to tune into the GETSOME podcast:

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Not sure where to start? Our Quickie episodes are down and dirty, bite-sized conversations about all the sex questions you’ve always been curious about.