Often mislabeled as “erectile dysfunction,” erectile disappointment is a common experience for individuals with penises. Whether it’s the inability to attain or maintain an erection sufficient for penetration, this issue can be accompanied by feelings of shame, anxiety, and the pressure to perform. However, it’s essential to recognize that experiencing difficulties with erections is a normal part of life and sex, and most definitely doesn’t define you or your masculinity. 

Before we dive into some practical strategies for overcoming erectile disappointment, a quick note:

If you are experiencing issues or significant changes in your erectile function, it may be the sign of an underlying medical condition. Always seek the advice of a medical professional if you are struggling with erections.

Ready to talk about erections? Let’s get into it.

Managing Your Penis Expectations

As Dr. Chris Donaghue so aptly puts it in this Medium article, “A penis is not a dildo, and should not be expected to act like one- getting and remaining erect on-demand as desired, for as long as needed.”

In fact, the pressure to perform on-demand and for a specific length of time only worsens feelings of stress and anxiety, and can worsen erectile disappointment in a vicious, endless cycle that deals a blow to your self-esteem and sucks the fun right out of sex. It’s the one-eyed snake that eats its own tail.

Instead of looking at the inability to last as long as you’d like or become erect “on-demand” as a personal failure, it’s helpful to zoom out of the situation and look at the ways that you can manage your penis expectations. Your penis’ function will change from day to day, and that’s okay. But a bad day or a less than desirable “performance” doesn’t mean that you’re dysfunctional. You don’t have to sacrifice your self-confidence or pleasure on a day where erectile disappointment is rearing its ugly head.

Focusing on Pleasure Over Performance

Another great piece of advice that Dr. Donaghue gives in the article above is to focus on pleasure over performance in the bedroom.

Too often, we get stuck outside of ourselves, essentially watching ourselves perform during sex instead of getting into the moment and enjoying ourselves. This is much easier said than done, especially when we’re dealing with persistent feelings of shame and anxiety related to sex (which often go hand-in-hand with erectile disappointment). But practicing mindfulness (something we go over at length in our latest self-led learning module, Unlearning Sexual Shame!) is a great way to stay in the moment during sexual encounters.

And remember, penetration is not the end all be all of sex. Tongues, toys, and fingers are all great ways to supplement or substitute for a penis during sexual encounters.

If Your Partner Struggles with Erectile Disappointment

If your partner is struggling with “performance” issues (AKA erectile disappointment), the best thing you can do for them is to remain open-minded and supportive. Definitely don’t shame or belittle them for their struggles, and keep in mind that you can still have a lot of fun in the bedroom without the use of a penis (or without the use of a penis for the entire time).

If you choose to face erectile disappointment together, you have the chance to strengthen your relationship and actually spice up your sex life in the process. Here are a few more tips for overcoming erectile disappointment together:

• Keep an open mind and open line of communication.
• Let them know you value them in ways that aren’t just sexual.
• Encourage them to see a doctor.
• Don’t be afraid to consult a therapist or counsellor

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Erectile disappointment is a common concern that affects many people with penises, but it doesn’t have to overshadow your sexual experiences or diminish your self-worth. By reframing your expectations, prioritizing pleasure, and fostering open communication with your partner or partners, you can overcome erectile disappointment and cultivate fulfilling intimate connections. 

Remember, sexual health is a vital part of your overall well being, so don’t hesitate to seek professional support if needed.