Why We Need to Talk About Soft Penises (Yes, Yours)

Unshaming the soft penis is a critical conversation that needs to happen.

Understanding unshaming the soft penis can redefine your sexual experiences.

You’re having sex. Things are heating up. You’re into it—or at least, you think you are. And then… it happens.

Your erection disappears. Maybe slowly. Maybe all at once. Maybe right when your partner climbs on top, or when the mood shifts.

This journey is about unshaming the soft penis and embracing your body.

We often feel the need for unshaming the soft penis in intimate moments.

It’s time we start unshaming the soft penis together.

Cue the shame spiral.

Unshaming the soft penis acknowledges the spectrum of arousal.

Embracing the idea of unshaming the soft penis can be liberating.

It’s crucial to understand unshaming the soft penis for better intimacy.

But let’s pause there—because unshaming the soft penis starts with understanding why this happens, and what it actually means about you (hint: nothing’s broken).

This is one of the most common reasons penis owners land in my office:
“Why do I keep losing my erection?”
Especially when things are going “well.”

So let’s unshame the soft penis, shall we?

Because here’s the truth:
A soft penis isn’t a sign that something is wrong with you.
It’s a signal from your body—and one worth listening to.

Watch the video: Why You Go Soft When Your Partner’s on Top (and Why You’re Not Broken)

Why You May Lose Your Erection When Your Partner Is on Top (or Any Time)

Loss of erection during sex is physiological—not a personal failure. The pressure to “stay hard” can increase anxiety, which ironically makes it harder to maintain arousal.

With unshaming the soft penis, we can dismantle societal pressures.

Some common culprits:

• Lack of friction or stimulation in some positions: Partner-on-top positions often reduce consistent contact. For some bodies, that’s not enough to maintain arousal.
• Performance pressure: Stress about “lasting long” or “performing well” activates your nervous system’s stress response—pushing arousal out of reach.
• Nervous system override: When your body doesn’t feel safe or relaxed, the sympathetic system kicks in—and erections rely on parasympathetic calm.
• Relational dynamics: Feeling emotionally disconnected from your partner can show up physically during sex.
• Other factors: Alcohol, antidepressants, stress, poor sleep, or health conditions like diabetes and hypertension can all play a role.

What It Doesn’t Mean

Losing your erection doesn’t mean:

• You’re not attracted to your partner
• You’re broken
• Sex is over

It does mean your body is giving you information. And that’s worth paying attention to—not judging.

What You Can Do When You Go Soft

Unshaming the soft penis provides a fresh perspective on pleasure.

First things first: Breathe.
Panic is the enemy of pleasure. Give yourself (and your partner) a beat to reset to redirect blood flow back to your genitals.

Then try:

1. Shift positions

• Get into a position where you feel more stimulation
• Side-by-side positions (hello, spooning) can reduce pressure while staying connected.

3. Add sensation

• Use your hands. Use a toy. Use your words.
• Softness doesn’t mean sex is over—it just might mean it’s time to get creative.

4. Normalize toys and tools

• Dildos, vibrators, cock rings, lube—these aren’t “extras,” they’re extensions of pleasure. Keep them within arm’s reach and reframe them as part of the fun, not a last resort.

5. Talk to your partner

• Say: “This still feels good for me. Let me get the dildo”
• Say: “I’m still into you. Can we switch things up?”
• Say: anything that keeps you in connection, not in shame.

These moments can actually become some of the most connected, present parts of sex.

Why We Need to Unshame the Soft Penis.

The shame layer — it’s always there, isn’t it?

Let’s name what’s actually running the show: the fear of being too much, not enough, or broken.

That inner voice whispering (or shouting):
“You failed.”
“They’re going to think you’re bad in bed”
“You’ll never be enough.”

We should normalize unshaming the soft penis in sexual discussions.

Sound familiar?

That’s not your truth. That’s shame talking.

And shame? Shame loves a soft penis.
It uses it as proof that you’re not worthy of pleasure.

But erections are not the measure of your worth, your masculinity, or your desirability.

Arousal is complex. It’s body-based. It’s relational.
It’s not a light switch you flip with your mind.

Unshaming your sexual response isn’t just a mindset—it’s a practice.

🌐 Visit the Erection Ease Hub

For Sex Therapists Reading This

If you’re supporting clients with erection anxiety, remember:

• Get curious with your client: What does the soft penis say about their experience?
• Explore somatic cues, breathwork, and meaning-making over rigid performance goals.
• Screen for underlying factors like anxiety, depression, medications, or medical conditions.
• Collaborate with medical providers when appropriate.

For More Tools & Resources

Visit the Clinician Erection Hub

Want to Go Deeper?

Explore these powerful reads by fellow clinicians and educators who are shifting the conversation around sex, shame, and healing:

• The Mental Health Guide for Cis and Trans Queer Guys by Rahim Thawer — a sex-positive resource packed with skills to help you thrive as your full, authentic selves.
• Beyond Erections by Mish Middelmann — an affirming guide to understanding arousal beyond performance, through mindfulness and self-awareness.

These books are perfect companions to your unshaming journey — whether you’re a clinician, client, or curious human.

You’re Not Broken. You’re Just Human.

Let’s end with this:

You are allowed to feel pleasure in all its forms—soft, hard, or somewhere in between.
Your sexual story doesn’t have to be defined by stiffness or performance.

If this hits home, or if you’ve been stuck in a loop of trying harder and feeling worse, I invite you to start listening to your body in a new way.

🎧 And if you want to hear from one of the legends in this field, listen to my conversation with Dr. Barry McCarthy, on the GETSOME podcast. It’s packed with insight on performance pressure, erection myths, and reclaiming sexual connection without the shame.

Frequently Asked Questions About Soft Penises and Erection Loss

Q: Why does my erection go away when my partner is on top?
A: It’s often about pressure, angle, or stimulation—not attraction. That position can reduce friction or create anxiety about performance. It’s common, and it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong.

Q: Does losing an erection mean I’m not attracted to my partner?
A: Nope. Erection loss is often a mix of physical and psychological factors—like anxiety, stress, or fatigue. Desire and arousal don’t always show up as hardness.

Q: Can sex still be good if I’m soft?
A: Absolutely. Softness can be an invitation to slow down, explore other sensations, and deepen connection. Many people report incredibly satisfying sex without needing penetration or erection.

Q: What tools can help with erection anxiety?
A: Breathwork, mindful self-touch, honest communication, and body-based practices can all help. You can find more in the Easing Erection Anxiety Audio Series.

Q: I’m a therapist—how can I support clients with this?
A: Focus on curiosity, not performance. Explore meaning, somatic cues, and relational dynamics. Clinician resources are available here.

In essence, unshaming the soft penis is a journey of self-discovery.