Feelings of shame during sexual interactions are more pervasive and common than you may think. If you find yourself turning inward, unable to be fully present during sex, or suffering from lingering feelings of shame and anxiety before, during, and after intimacy, you are absolutely not alone in those feelings.

Sexual shame can manifest itself in a variety of ways–tension and physical discomfort, negative body image, anxiety, guilt, avoidance of sex. It is also a deeply personal experience, stemming from the narratives, notions, and beliefs that you have been surrounded by and subjected to for your entire life. 

No matter where your feelings of shame stem from or how they manifest, one thing remains true–

You deserve relief.

Something that I’ve learned over the last decade as a sex therapist is that sex tips, suggestions, and techniques don’t work until you’ve addressed the shame first. 

I created the Unlearning Sexual Shame module to help you do just that. This four-part, self-paced learning module is designed to help you find the root cause of your feelings of sexual shame, understand and unpack your emotions surrounding sex and shame, and ultimately find the relief and freedom that you need. This module is perfect as a standalone learning tool or as a companion to existing professional support. Click here to learn more!

The Unlearning Sexual Shame module is built to be your companion in your lifelong journey to becoming your most empowered, sexually liberated self. But if you can’t jump into our module right away, here are five tips and practices that you can immediately implement that will help you find some relief from your feelings of sexual shame.

5 Ways to Relieve Anxiety and Shame About Sex

Make Space for Self-Compassion

At the end of the day, you are simply a person who is doing their best. There will be good days and bad days, and you deserve the same kindness and understanding that you would extend to a friend or a loved one.

We know that it’s hard to treat yourself with the kindness and compassion that you would give to others, and that it’s natural to become your own harshest critic. But do your very best to treat yourself with the compassion and love that you deserve, because self-love and compassion is the key to healing.

Here’s an exercise for practicing self-compassion as you’re working to overcome sexual shame. Grab a piece of paper and let’s dive in:

Imagine a close friend was struggling with their relationship to their sexuality.  How would you want to respond to your friend? Write down what you usually do and say, and the tone you use when talking to your friend.

Next, think about a time when you were struggling with shame around your sexuality.  How do you usually respond to yourself? Jot down what you typically do and say, and the tone you use with yourself.

Notice any differences? If you do, ask yourself why. What factors or fears make you treat yourself and others differently?

Now, imagine what might change if you responded to yourself the same way you do to a close friend when you’re having a hard time.

Why not give it a try and treat yourself like a good friend? Let’s see what happens!

Practice Visualization

Visualization is an incredibly helpful tool for getting out of your head and into the moment. Chances are, you already practice visualization to some extent. Especially if you grew up being told you had an “active imagination.” But by practicing visualization intentionally, you are able to practice positivity and help yourself see the best case scenario in situations that typically bring about feelings of anxiety or shame.

You can practice visualization at any time and with any context. But in the case of alleviating your feelings of anxiety and shame surrounding sex, it’s best practiced before a sexual interaction. 

Say, for example, that you are going on a date with someone that you really like. You know that they’re likely to invite you back to their place after dinner (and you want to go), but this makes you feel nervous, anxious, and even guilty or ashamed. Instead of letting your thoughts spiral out of control, this is the perfect time to practice visualization:

Picture the experience, in detail, from start to finish. If everything went perfectly and pleasurably, and you and your partner came out of the experience feeling happy and satisfied, what would that look like? What would it feel like? What sensations would you and your partner experience?

Repeat this visualization at least three times. By the end of this practice, you have a “best case scenario” in your head. This helps because now, when an unfamiliar and potentially anxiety-inducing situation arises in real life, you have a positive interaction to envision instead of instantly turning inward and falling back into your feelings of shame and anxiety. Visualization practices allow you to find confidence in your feelings and desires, and help reduce feelings of anxiety in your intimate moments.

Seek Out Specific Resources

The root cause of your feelings of sexual shame is deeply personal, and something that deserves specific, targeted treatment and support. If you need help identifying and unpacking the root cause of your feelings of sexual shame, our Unlearning Sexual Shame module is the perfect place to start.

From there, you can seek out resources that are best suited for you specifically. This might look like finding the right therapist or clinician to support you on your journey towards alleviating your feelings of sexual shame. Or, it might look like finding books and resources specific to your situation, or joining a support group of peers who have experienced similar things to you.

Whatever your individual experience and journey looks like, the value of finding specific and targeted support should not be underestimated.

Communicate With Your Partner or Partners

Open communication with your partner or partners is not only the key to having a good time, but it’s also an invaluable tool for overcoming feelings of shame during sex.

Before, during, and after sex, make space to communicate your feelings, desires, fears, and boundaries. This open and honest line of communication will create a supportive and pleasurable environment for everyone involved. Discuss your own feelings and needs as they come up, practice not pushing your own feelings to the side (which is easier said than done, but certainly gets easier with practice!) And be sure to hold space for your partner to share their needs, feelings, and desires as well. Talking about feelings with your partner or partners as they arise can help demystify and ultimately lessen the power that the feelings hold over you.

Focus on Connection

Feelings of sexual shame have a knack for ripping us out of the current moment, making us hyperaware and critical of ourselves instead of living in the moment and enjoying it (like we deserve). That’s the thing about shame–it robs us of the experiences, sensations, and moments that we deserve to have. One of the best ways to combat this is to focus on the connection that you have with yourself and your partner.

When you feel yourself being pulled out of your pleasurable moments and into feelings of anxiety, guilt, or shame, do your best to tap back into the connection. Here are a few ways to practice connecting with yourself and your partner when the negative self-talk and out of body sensations start creeping in:

• Zero in on the sensations of the moment. Pay attention to the texture, pressure, and temperature of giving and receiving touch.Thinking about the small details instead of the big picture is a great way to get out of your own head and into your body.
• Engage in non-demand touch and physical affection that doesn’t lead to sex.
• Add breathing exercises and mindfulness practices into your daily wellness routines.

Experiment with what works for you to help you get out of your head and into your body, and use that as a regular practice to combat feelings of sexual shame.

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Just because feelings of sexual shame, guilt, and anxiety are completely normal doesn’t mean you have to suffer from them. No matter where you are currently at in your journey, there is a path towards relief. You can become your most liberated, empowered, and joyful sexual self. Not only that, but you deserve to.
If you’re looking for a resource to help you understand, unpack, and unlearn the feelings of sexual shame that are impacting your life, click here to learn more about our self-paced Unlearning Sexual Shame module.